If Poop Grosses You Out, Don't Read This
With a title like that, I hope all of you are reading this. As Art pointed out to me, if this blog is about food I should make sure to address the other half of the eating cycle -- pooping.
As many of you may or may not know, I love to poop. It's great. It's a time to get away from it all and just center your chi and gain a little zen. When you're pooping, theres potential to be literally "caught with your pants down", but inspite of this pooping is rarely stressful or embarrassing. It's just you and a toilet, communing with one another. A ying and a yang situation - you're giving a little, and the toilet is taking.
HOWEVER, throughout my many years on this Earth I have found a few terrible situations where this most hallowed moment becomes a nightmare.
Imagine if you will that you and your chums have just had a tasty Thai meal. As you enjoy your curry more than the common man, you've consumed more than your fair share of said delicacy. Afterwards, you and a certain other chum (who wears far too much linen and pays no attention to personal grooming) are wandering the streets of some vibrant city, taking in the sights and blocking each other's conversations out. All in all, a great day -- BUT WAIT!
There's something moving in your stomach... it's spicy... it's semi-digested.. it's the curry, and it wants out.
PRONTO.
Obviously this story is not just a creation of my fanciful mind, but a real life experience. After lunch at Sripraphai and way too much beef red curry, I was hit with an imminent and pressing case of the shits.
I refuse to shit in a public place. REFUSE. I probably could count on my fingers the times I have pooped in a public place, mostly life or death situations.
When these shits hit me, I was between Astor Place and Union Square and at the time I lived at 99 John St.. so for those of you unfamilar with the city, these points are roughly an 8-10 minute subway ride (not counting the waiting for a train) or a 25-30 minute walk apart.
Now, some of you may say -- well, I'd opt for the subway because unless you're terribly unlucky, the train shouldn't take too long to come and with a little luck you'll be home and depanted in about 20 minutes.
Did I take the train? No. Fuck no. Too risky.
First, you've got the waiting for the train where you have to remain stationary, making no progress towards your goal while your poop is ready to pop out at any minute. Also, the train is bumpy and once you're in there, theres no way for you to get out.. whereas your poop is in the opposite boat as it can escape at any time.. and who wants to shit their pants not be able be to run away? And what if there is suddenly a blackout and you're stuck? Your poop won't understand this. It's impatient. It's an unruly six year old.
To be honest, though, none of this mattered at the time. What mattered was that I needed to poop and I needed to poop now and I was not about to do this in a dirty public bathroom. It just wasn't going to happen.. so I got my lineny, dirty friend (Katy) into high gear and walked, the poop fighting me with every step I took.
I've never felt so ALIVE. If I could survive this through sheer force of will than what couldn't I survive?
Long story short, I made it. I had to leave Katy behind as she wasn't keeping up (I think she peeled off to go to Zeytuna, where she once again proved that one person can decimate an entire overpriced grocery store's profits with pluck and a large canvas bag). The hardest few minutes was when I finally got in my building and was in the elevator, as my mind knew I was about to bid adieu to the poop seething inside of me, but my butt didn't understand that I needed it to keep the floodgates closed just a little longer.
I can't even describe the relief once I was free of it all, but the entire experience violated the usually calm and serene act of pooping and ever since then I've been scarred.. and I don't order curry from Sripraphai unless I know I am going straight home.
This, ladies and gentelman, is just one scenario wherein pooping can become a nightmare. More scenarios to come...
And yes, I did just blog twice today. Don't judge me.
As many of you may or may not know, I love to poop. It's great. It's a time to get away from it all and just center your chi and gain a little zen. When you're pooping, theres potential to be literally "caught with your pants down", but inspite of this pooping is rarely stressful or embarrassing. It's just you and a toilet, communing with one another. A ying and a yang situation - you're giving a little, and the toilet is taking.
HOWEVER, throughout my many years on this Earth I have found a few terrible situations where this most hallowed moment becomes a nightmare.
Imagine if you will that you and your chums have just had a tasty Thai meal. As you enjoy your curry more than the common man, you've consumed more than your fair share of said delicacy. Afterwards, you and a certain other chum (who wears far too much linen and pays no attention to personal grooming) are wandering the streets of some vibrant city, taking in the sights and blocking each other's conversations out. All in all, a great day -- BUT WAIT!
There's something moving in your stomach... it's spicy... it's semi-digested.. it's the curry, and it wants out.
PRONTO.
Obviously this story is not just a creation of my fanciful mind, but a real life experience. After lunch at Sripraphai and way too much beef red curry, I was hit with an imminent and pressing case of the shits.
I refuse to shit in a public place. REFUSE. I probably could count on my fingers the times I have pooped in a public place, mostly life or death situations.
When these shits hit me, I was between Astor Place and Union Square and at the time I lived at 99 John St.. so for those of you unfamilar with the city, these points are roughly an 8-10 minute subway ride (not counting the waiting for a train) or a 25-30 minute walk apart.
Now, some of you may say -- well, I'd opt for the subway because unless you're terribly unlucky, the train shouldn't take too long to come and with a little luck you'll be home and depanted in about 20 minutes.
Did I take the train? No. Fuck no. Too risky.
First, you've got the waiting for the train where you have to remain stationary, making no progress towards your goal while your poop is ready to pop out at any minute. Also, the train is bumpy and once you're in there, theres no way for you to get out.. whereas your poop is in the opposite boat as it can escape at any time.. and who wants to shit their pants not be able be to run away? And what if there is suddenly a blackout and you're stuck? Your poop won't understand this. It's impatient. It's an unruly six year old.
To be honest, though, none of this mattered at the time. What mattered was that I needed to poop and I needed to poop now and I was not about to do this in a dirty public bathroom. It just wasn't going to happen.. so I got my lineny, dirty friend (Katy) into high gear and walked, the poop fighting me with every step I took.
I've never felt so ALIVE. If I could survive this through sheer force of will than what couldn't I survive?
Long story short, I made it. I had to leave Katy behind as she wasn't keeping up (I think she peeled off to go to Zeytuna, where she once again proved that one person can decimate an entire overpriced grocery store's profits with pluck and a large canvas bag). The hardest few minutes was when I finally got in my building and was in the elevator, as my mind knew I was about to bid adieu to the poop seething inside of me, but my butt didn't understand that I needed it to keep the floodgates closed just a little longer.
I can't even describe the relief once I was free of it all, but the entire experience violated the usually calm and serene act of pooping and ever since then I've been scarred.. and I don't order curry from Sripraphai unless I know I am going straight home.
This, ladies and gentelman, is just one scenario wherein pooping can become a nightmare. More scenarios to come...
And yes, I did just blog twice today. Don't judge me.
posted by Mike at 1:27 PM
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