An Open Letter to Barry Weiss of Jive Records
Dear Mr. Weiss,
First of all, a hearty congratulations to you on Britney Spears' new CD, Blackout. Despite tremendous odds, it is set to debut on top of the charts next week with sales in the 300K+ range.
However, this is not just a letter of congratulations; I have to admit, I have an ulterior motive.
Now, I know you have to tow the party line (since you're the head of this party) that states that you couldn't be more pleased with Ms. Spears' album and she is and will continue to be a leading star at your label and in pop music, blah blah blah etc etc.
Between me and you, we both know this isn't true. She's a couple months away from an inevitable trainwreck, happily chugging along to an eventual KABOOM.. but that's besides the point.
What makes her opening at #1 with the numbers she is projected to sell really is quite incredible considering that she's done NOTHING besides stay in the tabloids for flashing her 'gina, ignoring court orders, and driving around to Starbucks and various gas stations in and around Los Angeles. I may be going out on a limb here, but I believe she's done far more promoting Starbucks than her own album these last few weeks.
By all accounts (critical and chartwise), this album is good. Really good. However, the quality of the album has very little to do with her.
Here is where we get to my point: she's done nothing. She didn't write the songs, she didn't produce the songs, and, to a staggering degree, she really doesn't sing any of the songs. An album was crafted for her by a team of quality musicians and producers and all she needed to do was hum a long to a few lyrics - thats all she did, besides pose for a few pictures with a male model dressed as a priest (kudos for the extra press on that one!). But again, where are the interviews? Where are the surprise appearances? Where are the performances?.. well.. maybe its better that we all learned a little something about letting Britney perform.
I'll cut to the chase, Mr. Weiss: why are you wasting your time on an "artist" that puts forth not even the minimum of effort needed to effectively market and sell an album? It's time for a change and that change could be ME.
I have no musical talent. For all intents and purposes, I'm tone deaf. I couldn't carry a tune to save my life. Can I dance? Hell no. I have no grasp of beats or rhythms. What I DO have, though, is work ethic.
My proposal is this: give up on the Spears and give me a chance. She's over. In fact, I think if we all stopped paying attention to her, she might start paying attention to herself and get the help she most desperately needs. I'm not belittling her - she must have some sort of deep-seated mental issues that a good therapist and some time alone could fix. It's our duty to let her sort all that out. In the meantime, let's embark on a little experiment.
Set me up with the same producers, writers, and background singers that were involved in Britney's album. Sure, I'm not an international, national, regional, or local sex symbol, nor have I sold millions of albums, but I think all parties involved might feel a little better creating an album for someone who will actually get behind it.
I'll sit on the couch with Leno and hobnob with Letterman. I'll trade quips with Ellen and cook some meatballs with Martha. If Ryan Seacrest calls me, you better believe I won't leave halfway through to shower. I'll show up for interviews and photoshoots, and I won't walk off with the clothing or pee with the bathroom door open. My pets won't ruin dresses. I'll sign a deal with a coffee chain so that when I go to get a beverage, we'll both pocket a few extra dollars. When I dance on TV I'll look like a fool, but I won't be drunk and I won't be the butt of the joke, I'll be in on it. I'll guzzle champagne like the best of them at insider parties, but when I'm hungover and tired the next morning I'll make it to my video shoot and put in 100% effort.
At this point, Mr. Weiss, what do you have to lose?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Mike Burton
PS: Can we look into hiring Gloria Allred as my lead attorney? I saw her on Dr. Phil the other day and she's a real pitbull. Good person to have in our corner for my inevitable marriages, divorces, and custody battles once my album goes #1.
First of all, a hearty congratulations to you on Britney Spears' new CD, Blackout. Despite tremendous odds, it is set to debut on top of the charts next week with sales in the 300K+ range.
However, this is not just a letter of congratulations; I have to admit, I have an ulterior motive.
Now, I know you have to tow the party line (since you're the head of this party) that states that you couldn't be more pleased with Ms. Spears' album and she is and will continue to be a leading star at your label and in pop music, blah blah blah etc etc.
Between me and you, we both know this isn't true. She's a couple months away from an inevitable trainwreck, happily chugging along to an eventual KABOOM.. but that's besides the point.
What makes her opening at #1 with the numbers she is projected to sell really is quite incredible considering that she's done NOTHING besides stay in the tabloids for flashing her 'gina, ignoring court orders, and driving around to Starbucks and various gas stations in and around Los Angeles. I may be going out on a limb here, but I believe she's done far more promoting Starbucks than her own album these last few weeks.
By all accounts (critical and chartwise), this album is good. Really good. However, the quality of the album has very little to do with her.
Here is where we get to my point: she's done nothing. She didn't write the songs, she didn't produce the songs, and, to a staggering degree, she really doesn't sing any of the songs. An album was crafted for her by a team of quality musicians and producers and all she needed to do was hum a long to a few lyrics - thats all she did, besides pose for a few pictures with a male model dressed as a priest (kudos for the extra press on that one!). But again, where are the interviews? Where are the surprise appearances? Where are the performances?.. well.. maybe its better that we all learned a little something about letting Britney perform.
I'll cut to the chase, Mr. Weiss: why are you wasting your time on an "artist" that puts forth not even the minimum of effort needed to effectively market and sell an album? It's time for a change and that change could be ME.
I have no musical talent. For all intents and purposes, I'm tone deaf. I couldn't carry a tune to save my life. Can I dance? Hell no. I have no grasp of beats or rhythms. What I DO have, though, is work ethic.
My proposal is this: give up on the Spears and give me a chance. She's over. In fact, I think if we all stopped paying attention to her, she might start paying attention to herself and get the help she most desperately needs. I'm not belittling her - she must have some sort of deep-seated mental issues that a good therapist and some time alone could fix. It's our duty to let her sort all that out. In the meantime, let's embark on a little experiment.
Set me up with the same producers, writers, and background singers that were involved in Britney's album. Sure, I'm not an international, national, regional, or local sex symbol, nor have I sold millions of albums, but I think all parties involved might feel a little better creating an album for someone who will actually get behind it.
I'll sit on the couch with Leno and hobnob with Letterman. I'll trade quips with Ellen and cook some meatballs with Martha. If Ryan Seacrest calls me, you better believe I won't leave halfway through to shower. I'll show up for interviews and photoshoots, and I won't walk off with the clothing or pee with the bathroom door open. My pets won't ruin dresses. I'll sign a deal with a coffee chain so that when I go to get a beverage, we'll both pocket a few extra dollars. When I dance on TV I'll look like a fool, but I won't be drunk and I won't be the butt of the joke, I'll be in on it. I'll guzzle champagne like the best of them at insider parties, but when I'm hungover and tired the next morning I'll make it to my video shoot and put in 100% effort.
At this point, Mr. Weiss, what do you have to lose?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Mike Burton
PS: Can we look into hiring Gloria Allred as my lead attorney? I saw her on Dr. Phil the other day and she's a real pitbull. Good person to have in our corner for my inevitable marriages, divorces, and custody battles once my album goes #1.
posted by Mike at 1:01 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home